Then read, "scales oF JUSTICE"
The Judgmental gene is not yet gone. But, I am aware of its existence and I make consistent efforts to rid myself of this flaw in my personality and my spirit. When I look at J, I don’t see a tragic disaster of motherhood. I see a mother overwhelmed with grief. Her daughter has not left her; but, the daughter she anticipated will not ‘be’. It’s a true loss when compared to the natural expectations and wishes of any mother. Because of the overwhelming nature of it all, there SEEMS to be a level of denial as well. Choices made by J are not thoughtless, but based on the thoughtfulness of another situation and set of circumstances…. circumstances that involve a ‘typical’ child.
My interactions with J are based my support of her efforts to effectively parent her child. I actually do what I can to help J to manage SiSi’s behavior. I listen more and appreciate her efforts to a greater degree than ever before. I don’t just sit back and pity her; I work with her and act as a liaison between her and her fears. Not only have I extended my help to her, but I have made her feel comfortable about telling me when she needs me to step out of a situation to give her the opportunity to work out the situation.
I am not being helpful in order to work my way back into the good graces of the Creator; I am not trying to earn browny points with my peers. What is done is done. I can’t earn self-righteousness with good deeds. I am simply responding to my true realization that J’s situation did not deserve to be judged by me and was given (what I believe to be) a poor judgment at that. I am only behaving as I always should have because I know it’s the right thing to do.
I am very conscious of the fact that an explanation was never something to which I was ever truly entitled. Suppose, she never revealed the truth regarding to her fear and inability in dealing with SiSi’s discipline? Would I have made this realization of my judgmental-ness? Probably not. Would judging her have been any less wrong? No. But I have already begun scripting for the appropriate response for me in any situation where I find myself tempted to allow a judgment to run through my mind or across my lips. My one and only concern should be nothing more than, “I hope they are comfortable in their circumstances.” Or, “I wonder what circumstances allowed (whomever) to feel this way… or be that way.”
There was only one missing piece of the puzzle that changed my whole perception of the big picture. I made the mistake of allowing my brain to make assumptions that distorted the picture. I allowed my ego to size it up and put the puzzle piece in place. It was my own imperfection that allowed the flaw to take root and grow.
What I DID find interesting is that the whole relationship with J changed when I alone changed. The rewarding part of it is that SHE changed once I changed. The effort has been reciprocated. That is the icing on the cake… but I was not basing my change on any offer for desert at all. She is more open and receptive. Rather than see me as a threat – as someone who is trying to take over her daughter, she sees me as someone who is trying to help her get closer to her daughter.
Yeah, yeah… there are still some challenges that exist where J & I are concerned. And these challenges are not based on my thoughts on a matter, but on things that I have actually heard J admit about herself. But I still don’t feel a need to judge her. I simply make a decision whether or not I want to be a participant in other aspects of J’s life and J’s decision making consequences or rewards. There is nothing there for me to like or dislike because it only has an affect on me if I decide for myself to be involved.
Since this defining moment has occurred, I have seen my judgments magnified in other situations and it is amazing how it kind of blazes like a mirror reflecting the sun. My past attitudes were such a waste of energy and effort… not to mention that it set me back spiritually. A spiritual set-back is not a method of staying on one's spiritual path.
I have already accepted change.
My interactions with J are based my support of her efforts to effectively parent her child. I actually do what I can to help J to manage SiSi’s behavior. I listen more and appreciate her efforts to a greater degree than ever before. I don’t just sit back and pity her; I work with her and act as a liaison between her and her fears. Not only have I extended my help to her, but I have made her feel comfortable about telling me when she needs me to step out of a situation to give her the opportunity to work out the situation.
I am not being helpful in order to work my way back into the good graces of the Creator; I am not trying to earn browny points with my peers. What is done is done. I can’t earn self-righteousness with good deeds. I am simply responding to my true realization that J’s situation did not deserve to be judged by me and was given (what I believe to be) a poor judgment at that. I am only behaving as I always should have because I know it’s the right thing to do.
I am very conscious of the fact that an explanation was never something to which I was ever truly entitled. Suppose, she never revealed the truth regarding to her fear and inability in dealing with SiSi’s discipline? Would I have made this realization of my judgmental-ness? Probably not. Would judging her have been any less wrong? No. But I have already begun scripting for the appropriate response for me in any situation where I find myself tempted to allow a judgment to run through my mind or across my lips. My one and only concern should be nothing more than, “I hope they are comfortable in their circumstances.” Or, “I wonder what circumstances allowed (whomever) to feel this way… or be that way.”
There was only one missing piece of the puzzle that changed my whole perception of the big picture. I made the mistake of allowing my brain to make assumptions that distorted the picture. I allowed my ego to size it up and put the puzzle piece in place. It was my own imperfection that allowed the flaw to take root and grow.
What I DID find interesting is that the whole relationship with J changed when I alone changed. The rewarding part of it is that SHE changed once I changed. The effort has been reciprocated. That is the icing on the cake… but I was not basing my change on any offer for desert at all. She is more open and receptive. Rather than see me as a threat – as someone who is trying to take over her daughter, she sees me as someone who is trying to help her get closer to her daughter.
Yeah, yeah… there are still some challenges that exist where J & I are concerned. And these challenges are not based on my thoughts on a matter, but on things that I have actually heard J admit about herself. But I still don’t feel a need to judge her. I simply make a decision whether or not I want to be a participant in other aspects of J’s life and J’s decision making consequences or rewards. There is nothing there for me to like or dislike because it only has an affect on me if I decide for myself to be involved.
Since this defining moment has occurred, I have seen my judgments magnified in other situations and it is amazing how it kind of blazes like a mirror reflecting the sun. My past attitudes were such a waste of energy and effort… not to mention that it set me back spiritually. A spiritual set-back is not a method of staying on one's spiritual path.
I have already accepted change.
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