RANT: I'm A "Big Mama"

I have had some experiences lately that truly defined for me what a "Big Mama" is... what a "Big Mama" does... and I now know that I am a "Big Mama".

"Big Mama" is a moniker used, (usually in African American, Hispanic, and other "like" cultures) which is usually defined as a large woman. Her large stature is usually a depiction of a tall, heavy-set person... either motherly or it could be meant as voluptuous and sexy... depending on who the "Big Mama" is and who is defined her by that moniker.


But there is an old definition with renewed significance for "Big Mama"- emerging in our culture. This "Big Mama" may or may not be large in size, but she is large in the characteristic and personality of a 'Mother to All". This is a woman who handles her business with her children, her significant other and extended family by blood or association. Her extended family consists of neighbors, friends, children's friends, co-workers, and so on.The "Big Mama" of today teaches, trains, consoles, rejoices, disciplines everyone who has touched her big heart. She takes the time to talk to you. She will cry with you. She even helps you to pick up the pieces of your heart or broken expectations and bring the glue to help you to put them together again. Maybe she will just stand by and watch protectively as her loved ones learn to "do the fixin' of themselves for themselves'.

---Baby Mama Drama can bring out the "BIG" in a "Big Mama----

Not long ago, my husband was hospitalized. I was already in 'planning mode' prioritizing the responsibilities that I would be taking from his plate. I knew that my daughter had to be taken to school every morning and that both my daughter and son needed to be picked up from school in the afternoons. I realized that I just started working and, especially in today's economy, it wouldn't be a good thing for me to take too much time off from work just yet. If I had no other choice, then so be it. I would take off without hesitation for the sake of my family responsibilities.
But, I know that I DO have a choice. "S's" biological mother lives in the same city and a reasonable distance away from all these activities. I chose to call on her for assistance. I made the call, but couldn't get thru because (again) she had run out of minutes on her flex cell phone account and could only be reached by members of her "MyFaves".

With a "MyFave" status, she can call us without going
against her minutes... As long as her monthly bill has been paid, she can have
no minutes and still call her 5 "MyFaves".

There have been many times where she has needed to contact my husband and I - or we needed to contact her... each time she insists that she is going to add one of our cell phones to her "MyFaves"... of course, this has yet to happen.

Making a long, long story short - I got thru to a mutual friend and asked her to call "S's" mom and ask her to call me. When she called, I told her that I needed her to pick-up my "daughter S" from school, keep her overnight, and take her to school the next morning.

She told me that she "couldn't".

Could NOT.
I found out later that she told our mutual friend that she "wouldn't".

Regardless, I refused to respond... I let her chatter and banter away at the reasons she had for not being able to be responsible for OUR "daughter, S". The daughter to which she gave birth. I was not shocked or even the slightest bit surprised because this response from S's biological mother was typical. But what I did feel was fed-the-f***-up!

In the end, she took care of my "daughter, S" in the way I instructed. Yes, instructed. I relayed it as a request for the benefit of "good manners" and I really desire to keep things peaceful. But when she objected, I did not back down. SHE had no choice.


Later during the day, I decided that I would just go get "daughter, S" from her bio-mom because I didn't feel good about how "S" was negotiated as a thing or circumstance. I would rather have her at home with me.

Bio and I engaged in conversationg that evening and revealed a lot about what we thought of each other. She told me that I liked to control things with "S". I accepted being told that I "control" things with "S" and how I had to have things my way and how Bio-Mom had no say. I explained that I controlled things because I didn't understand how Bio could call me and ask me, "What do we need to do about 'S' "?, when my husband has a medical emergancy. Why is she asking ME this? Does she not know HER responsibilities?

I told her that I felt that believed me to be like a hired hand that is only in a relationship with "S's" father and tolerated by her, Bio-Mom, just to take care of "S"? Am I the hired Nanny? I love "S" and I do what I do for her out of love... not obligation. So, "Yes", I take control of the situation. If she doesn't know what she needs to be doing, then I will have to give her instructions.

Of course, she tells me that I SHOULDN'T "feel like a Nanny". And I, not so patiently, explain that I don't feel like the Nanny, but I do believe that Bio-Mom sees me as such. I explain that I do want her to have control and decision-making privelege (that's right... privelege) regarding "S"... but not at my expense... not for me to have to follow thru.... SHE needs to be around and be involved in her daughter's life. She WILL NOT lay down rules while practicing 'remote parenting' with the expectation that I will follow through with her wishes, commands, and desires.

She asked me... no she screamed at me in a high-pitched irritating voice, "When do I not do something for "S" whenever you ask me to?!! Calmly I explain to her... "Number 1, YOU should not be the one asking ME what "S" needs. YOU are not doing ME a favor. Your argument and claim is that this is YOUR daughter. Number 2, you do what I ask you to do for her because I leave you no choice. I do for her all the time and from day to day and I know what our other needs are and I only ask you to do something when there is a conflict. Even though there is freedom for feedback and opinions, my requests are not open for discussion or comprimise because the "real" mother is the one who quickly steps up her game and "takes the wheel".

I then offered her a way that would save us all any future conflicts of this type. I asked Bio-Mom to relinquish her parental rights and allow me to adopt "S". That way she won't be expected to do a thing unless it is a real favor (it seems as though she thinks a favor is what she is doing... helping ME out).

Yeah, I did that.

She was livid. Screamed and hollered for more than a few minutes. Then she cried... I know this because I had to go over and take "S" her medicine. We talked. I backed down from nothing... I meant every word... and the offer is still open... It would be my pleasure to be "S's" legal "Big Mama".

I have the nerve, the audacity, and the unmittigated gall to ask a mother to let me have her child. But you know what?

I am her "Big Mama" anyway.
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Peace,
shYne